11-11-2021
Since moving to Tampa, I’ve been on a few dates with a few different girls. They’ve been nice and certainly classified as “Certified Cuties” but I’m finding myself caught in this space that I don’t quite understand yet. Of the three girls I’ve been on these first dates with, two of them have asked “So you’ve never been in love?” or “Have you ever been in love?” after conversation flowed to that point. Both times it caught me off guard, not only because it seemed like an out-of-pocket question but from the fact I didn’t know how to answer.
I don’t say that as if I’ve never experienced love before, of course I have! Love has been evident throughout my life from my family, friends, and if you’d like to consider it, religion. A culmination of a life bonding love that I’ve grown with my family throughout my twenty-three years and a cheeky, quick-witted love that my friends have reciprocated since my high school days. All that comes alongside a spiritual grace and mercy that I myself cannot explain, I know in my heart that whatever has stirred in my heart is true but there are no words to describe it. But in the sense of romantic love, I don’t know what that’s like and it really bothers me. So bear with me while I try to process what’s hopping through my head.
If you really know me and have spent a lot of time around me, you’ve probably heard me use the term, “heart sparkle” to describe someone that I’m interested in. I like to think of that term as a way to emphasize that little flutter feeling I get in my chest whenever I’ve gotten hugged or kissed. However, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually gotten that little flutter feeling from a romantic interest and one just so happens to be the girl I went on a date with Monday. To be honest, I’m writing this because I got a little nervous after I felt that feeling once the date was over. I’d only met this girl once and had wonderful conversation with her but how is it that a feeling that I’ve barely ever felt in my life could happen then? Happen now? We barely know each other yet and I think I can say now that if she were to completely ghost me today, that I would be fine. Of course I would be a little upset but I don’t think it would bother me much after that initial rejection. What would bother me though, is wondering why I got that little sparkle feeling in my chest and in my stomach?
It’s been a good 5 years or so since the last time I remember having that feeling and I spent weeks chasing that feeling until it kinda just fizzled away and she and I went our separate ways. And in every potential relationship since then, I’ve tried to replicate that sparkle, that, “Kick” in my heart and failed… Miserably.
In no way am I intending for this writing to be some kinda sob story about my subpar dating life, I’m just bringing my feelings to the forefront so I can see them head-on.
After all those failed “talking” stages and Netflix nights that feeling was still missing. With some girls I chased something physical, others I tried quality time and getting to know them, eventually it turned to my intrinsic need to serve others. I began to equate my feelings for the girls I was interested in based on how much I was able to do for them, how much I could serve them. And I think this really tainted my perception of relationships. Meaning, I was pursuing these relationships based on a one-sided notion of “How much can Hank do for me?” that I happily wore across my forehead. It wasn’t even feelings I had behind these girls during these “talking” stages, I really just wanted to feel valued. And I’ve written a few times recently about feeling valued and mercy and loving myself, so this goes hand-in-hand with those thoughts. But I did not feel value in my own life, the only way I could be valuable to the people I was interested in was to be the one who was always willing to help, at least that’s what was going through my head. Of course it wasn’t until my move to Asheville that those notions became uprooted and my self-love and realization of value began to grow again and I think this has to do with why I’ve got these heart sparkles right now. So much time has been lost on what others consider me as, how my feelings never seemed real, or what I could do to incite some kind of emotional excitement and I’m so glad to be on the other side of that.
I think I’m finally in a place, both emotionally and spiritually, where I can actually begin to love someone without the worry of what I should or shouldn’t do in order for them to love me more. Hank is Hank, I am who I was meant to be and nobody can change that. I want someone who gives me heart sparkles, I want them to be interested and to love and really want to spend time with me. I’ve said it so many times but I want to love and to be loved, and in a sense, I think I’m starting to know what that means.