04/26/22
This past weekend I got the pleasure of standing as a groomsman at one of my best friends wedding. It was the first wedding I’ve been in and the groom, Dylan, has been a friend of mine since my Sophomore year of college. He’s a firefighter with a soft heart wrapped in kindness. I could use a lot of words to describe the man he is but the word “compassionate” is the one I feel describes him the best. I know this because he became my friend at a time in my life that was certainly not a time to be desired. I was an unpleasant person with the attitude to back it up, but he still chose to be a part of my life anyway. I admire him because he took the time and effort to be present in our friendship, though it has been more of a brotherhood than anything, while we shared life experiences both through joyful and not so joyful times together. I’m sharing this because I was honored to stand up there with him as he professed his love and committed to life with his wife Karianna. Watching on as tears fell from his face as she walked the aisle, I heard the officiator speak briefly on the first accounts of poetry in the Bible, when Adam saw Eve for the first time, “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” he said. And for the last few days I’ve not been able to stop thinking of that.
Words are tough, at least to explain, as I’m using words right now to try and explain the sense of words, a paradox of some sorts that I’ll hopefully be able to use and communicate my feelings with. I’ve written a lot about my feelings and emotions and whatnot, many times finding myself stuck in a corner not knowing how to convey certain emotions, events or situations; ending up frustrated because, it seems, words are the only things I have that could ever help me process and communicate the intricacies of all the questions I have about things like love, fear, relationships, personalities and so on.
Even now, I’m struggling to use words to begin my thoughts on this topic, I have music playing in the background and can hear words paired with harmony to tell stories! It’s complex feelings played joyfully in Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin, speaking of worries over his love. Or the comedy of Tyler Childers’ song Purgatory or the distorted and sensual rhythm of Juno by Choker as the lyrics describe a selfish relationship that he can’t seem to come to terms with. We hear emotional freedom in Paramores song, Last Hope as Haley Williams sings in the third verse saying
And the salt in my wounds
Isn’t burning any more than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain
It’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore
What better way to convey ones unexplainable feelings and experiences than through song? I’m no songwriter and wouldn’t even consider myself a writer, but what a gift it is to have something so precious as music. At this point I feel like I’m rambling, and normally only feel like that when I’m having trouble with my thoughts, though I think I may be able to narrow it down to this.
As wonderful as the gift of words and poetry is, there’s still something lacking there as far as life is concerned. By that I mean I could sit and write all day long about my hopes, dreams and desires to try and sound inspirational or desirable but I’d be nothing but a liar if that was my goal. Meaning I wouldn’t be communicating my true feelings but instead be trying impress. It’s the same way in terms of people showing love to one another. I could show affection or attention to others but that in itself is not love. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to get at? I’m still trying to understand love and am hoping that some form of words could help me sorta grasp that, oh boy.
What words could evoke such feelings as love? It seems as if it’s the other way around, love is the thing that evokes words. The language of such is actually funny, described as falling, being struck or smitten, you know the kind of things I’m talking about. All of which, out of context of love, would normally be used in conjunction with pain. So why on earth are words like that used to describe love? I don’t think I can truly say I’ve fallen in love with someone before, there have been plenty of times where I’ve caught feelings for someone and 9 times out of 10 it happened without me even trying. Surely I can say I’ve “fallen” for someone, against my will it has happened a few times. It came with a desire to be wanted by them, to know them and to spend my time with them. My falling inspired daydreams of lying on the couch to watch movies on a week- night, dancing in the kitchen and a weekend trip to visit home with them. Again, all of which happened against my will.
I feel as if I’m getting caught up in trying to understand a feeling that went and hit me upside the head with more emotional concussions than I’d like to admit. Nevertheless, I’m grateful for that. And yes I know I’ve said it before but the desire to love and be loved, know and to be known precedes everything in my life. It conjures curiosity and impatience when I sit and think whilst jumbled words are all I have to ever convey those feelings. Damn me if I ever claim to understand love in all its respects, because then too will I be a liar.
Words build up and tear down, words convey emotion and tell stories, but words cannot make someone love. Words can barely describe love, let alone create it, only life can do that. Compassion and care and time and all those little things in between that require effort cause these little unexplainable feelings that tend to grow us together through shared experiences. But it’s words that have the power to share those feelings, to write songs and stories about this wondrous, gravitating, heart-punching feeling that nobody can truly explain.
What gift of love may be
What words can’t describe
Such feeling as this
My love my God
We deserve none of it
But are struck nonetheless