03-15-2022
Well, hey there! I’m going to do my best at writing to you normally, as if we were talking. It’s been a bit since I’ve sat to hand-write in a journal, quite a lot has happened since we wrote back here in 2020. By the grace of God, I have been filled with understanding.
Much of my writing has been typed up since writing, “Ambition of the Heart” in July 2020, so if you’re curious about what happened, feel free to reach out and ask for those writings. But hey! We’re here again! I can’t remember the last time I opened my bible to sit and read, I think it was late 2019 but I’m not entirely sure. Yesterday though, I decided I wanted to go through the wisdom literature, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Job. Now I don’t intend to write here like some bible study journal. I’ll probably write more like I’m speaking as I try to process what the Lord may be telling me through the books.
My heart is filled with Joy. It all kinda fell into my lap since my move to Tampa. I don’t think I’d attribute my joy with the decision to move to Tampa though. Because my anxiety caught up quickly after getting here. I don’t think I could tell you exactly why my attitude and heart changed so much. It changed before I fell in love with these friends here. It changed as I still lived in my sin and fear of leaning into a God I don’t understand. But what could I make sense of? I could chalk it up to nice weather or people or a job! But I’ve had those my whole life. Truly, nothing much has changed as the substance of my life goes. Yes, the situation as a whole is better, but my heart, my joy, personality and peace about Christ came unexpectedly.
The last few months have been spent subtly trying to make sense of that, my deservedness that is, of this gift of understanding. A fair chunk of that time was spent typing up those old writings from paper, along with writing other things. Other times were spent with these new friends that feel like old friends as we held conversations about love and joy and trauma and emotions and deservedness with Christ. All of which occurred naturally.
But this decision to work through the wisdom literature came about because I still want to make sense of this strange and incredible gift God has so unexplainably given me. It makes no daggum sense. Why me? I mean, I wanted the bare minimum for years! That’s all I asked for and he gave me something so personal and intimate that I couldn’t ever convey through words. So, with a little encouragement from The Bible Project, I’m going to go through the wisdom literature. Not sure how long it’ll take me or what I’ll write or not write along the way. But hey! That’s the joy of an adventure right? I don’t anticipate to write much as far as chapter or verse breakdowns go, it’ll probably be more spark ignited thoughts on God, wisdom and love than anything else.
As I’ve started Proverbs, Wisdom says those who seek her will be given her. Those who pursue understanding will be given it. Maybe that’s what’s been going on these last few years? Chasing questions about my own life and attempting to make sense of my personality and story, that, alongside God in my life and my half-assed sorry attempt at being faithful to him, but an attempt at understanding both nonetheless. I wouldn’t claim to have wisdom or true understanding of life though. Call it a peace more than anything. The peace of accepting I don’t know and more than likely won’t know the answers I seek, though I will still seek them.
Why me God? Why now?
What has been done to deserve such joy?
My life is cracked like fall leaves,
And my heart two-sided
Ready to change at a moments inconvenience.
I am a broken man with nothing to give
But you’ve given me all I need
My belly is filled with laughter
My eyes wet in love-filled emotion
A heart can desire nothing else but what you’ve given My heart desires nothing else but to share it.
Why me God? I don’t deserve this.
I will love you all of my days.