Last night, I think I saw lady wisdom in a dream.
My battle with sexual desire has been one of the biggest, if not the biggest, struggle in my life since I was nine years old when it began. In the dream I was thinking about going back to it, though I’ve been away from it for a while now.
She approached me as a younger woman with an aura of kindness, giving me a receipt that looked much like the invoices I see at work for people that come to the shop to get their machines fixed. On the invoice were the costs of going back to my old ways. In the dream she didn’t scold me for my thinking, but she gave me the choice to see the costs on this sheet of paper. It made so much sense to me and I chose to deny my desire in the face of the emotional and relational costs of what I wanted to do. Thank you God for this understanding.
This morning I read Proverbs Chapters 9 to 12 after reading through chapter 8 yesterday. I’m having no immediate thoughts to write, I will come back after work to write after thinking.
I didn’t come back yesterday because there were no following thoughts after reading. I plan on telling the guys in my small group tonight about my dream from yesterday, so I may come back with thoughts afterward.
Chapters 13 to 16 seem repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, these all seem like wise little sayings and advice but it is heard to read as it is so long winded in such short form sayings. It doesn’t bring much thought. Maybe I’ve just seen too many “inspirational” Instagram captions to care! Who knows?
I told the guys in my small group last night about the dream and asked for prayers of guidance and patience through this study, or journey I guess, over the next few months.
Chapters 17 to 20 again with the inspirational Instagram captions, though I do have some thoughts I’d like to share, though only slightly related to the subjects of these chapters.
I’m only twenty-three, I still have much to learn as wisdom goes. And though this is a thought I’ve had since college, my actions have not lived it out. Among many other things, selfishness and anger have been prominent themes since freshmen year of college, I was eighteen at the time, with this haughty thought that inside I was holier than others. I thought I was the least of those around and those thoughts fed a misconception that I was somehow deserving of something. What that, “Something” was? I’m still not sure. I felt as if I lacked love in my life, or maybe just understanding of love. Of course, my curiosity of love fed many mistakes throughout my life but much of that curiosity soured into anger as the years progressed.
Looking back I feel like my misunderstanding of relational and romantic love made my actions and thoughts more irrational, feeding into a depressed, anxious and frustrated stage in my life where I questioned God after feeling like I was lesser than and, therefore “holier than thou” — This perception was wildly wrong. However, it has taken years to see that. Though, my stating this raises more questions, or just the question I began this study with. Why? Why me? I am clearly undeserving as the standards of men go. So what makes me, a twenty-three year old whose story is a sad shit-sack of shortcomings and subpar commitment to Christ, the recipient of such a life- filled, belly laughing, tear-filled joy? I’m grateful beyond explanation for such a wondrous gift, but why me? Why not give it to someone else? Is Gods love and grace truly infinite? And if so, what gives me the right to have it?