05-19-2022
I’m sitting in the Louisville airport, flight back to Tampa has been delayed a few times now, so I’ve got some time to sit and process a few feelings I’ve had over the last week or so. You’ve gotten the whole spiel on my life change since moving to Tampa, the gift of a belly laughing, tear-filled, joy-giving love that I have no right to know, though has continued to amaze me since. I do need to be up front though, since deciding to return to a church and the ensuing community, I’ve been hesitant to give my whole heart to the Lord. It’s not like I don’t understand the gift that’s been given, I do, but there’s a little piece of me remaining that’s afraid to give my whole heart back. Does that make sense?
Life has never been so good as it is now. When covid hit, my heart fell apart rather quickly. Not as if there was much to begin with, I was a not-so-good person whose arrogance, anger, and entitlement got in the way of a lot of things, my relationships being at the forefront of that. Living alone for that time forced me to face feelings towards my mental health and addictions that had been long overlooked. The first few months spent drinking myself to sleep and arguing with a God I doubted, turned to less drinking and the written processing of a life I felt I didn’t understand. A hundred and sixty pages later, things made more sense, but the uncertainty and frustration towards God was still there. The move to North Carolina caused me to face my mental health head on. It certainly didn’t fix it, but forced me to see I couldn’t just run from those feelings. Anxiety and Depression have been a prominent point in my life since high school and living in North Carolina was the first step in me really learning to openly process that.
When the move to Tampa came the uncertainty was still there, though less evident, it became known shortly after the move and my mental health hit harder than it had in years. And again, the notion that I could just run away from my fear was uprooted, though now, I had no place to run. It took a few weeks, but my heart was struck in a way I can’t explain here. A slow, music blasting, windows down drive was the substance of a heart change only God could’ve provided. I fell in love with friends that seemed to come out of nowhere and with a church that displayed the love of Christ in a way that made it so clear.
It started in October, my heart change hit hard and fast, a life giving love came into my heart with little to no effort on my end. After years of anger and frustration the love seemed to just fall in my lap and I took every bit I could get. It made no sense, my feelings, I became a different person. I felt like a new Hank and every bit of my heart knew that something had changed. Ever since then, I’ve soaked up the joy and reveled in the fact I’m the recipient of a love whose origin can’t be described. I’m in love with my friends who feel like family, I’m in love with a place that feels like home, and in love with a God who’s gifted me a life I don’t deserve. But I need to tell you, I am still nervous.
I haven’t given God my whole heart. I feel it to be caused by a lot of uncertainty that’s remained from my last few years in college and the subsequent years of covid but I’ve been hesitant to give God my whole heart again. My life with Christ began freshman year of high school, I made a lot of mistakes along the way and searched for life in too many places to count, but at no point did I lose my belief in him. For years I knew he was real, I never doubted that, but wanted so badly to know wether or not there was more out there for me, what could I do for myself to feel better, to feel more, to be happier. Impatience at its finest, right? Those years turned sour when I got to college, leading Young Life and feeling mistreated by a ministry I’d loved and have since forgiven. During those years I did all I could, believing I deserved nothing from God and could do all the hard work myself, wether that be a job, school, ministry, and even love. I tried, I really did and it left me emptier than before. The one I wanted most, I neglected to turn to in those years. I can’t explain why, maybe it was a feeling of guilt, superiority or flat out foolishness, I doubt I’ll ever know.
Though, over the last week or so, I think that last little bit of my heart has started to change. The one little piece I’ve not been ready to give up yet has begun to wiggle away from its restraints, and in the recent days, came loose. I don’t feel all too different, a few heart flutters here and there when I think about it, but I’m ready to give my whole heart back, it’s not mine to keep. I’m not wise and don’t intend to become so, all I know is I’ve not been able to fill myself on my own, and the few times I’ve experienced full life, it’s come at the hands of Christ. I’ve been gifted a life I don’t deserve, everything of which I hope I can give away, and my heart wants nothing more than to be fully surrendered. I’m giving God my full heart. You can call it a public profession, a confession, a cry of praise, whatever you want. I just wanted to tell you, I’ve given Christ my whole heart.
Ridden with mistakes
Guilty in sin
A heart made full
Born again