Oh boy. Here we go. College. Ok.
So the first two weeks of college were wack. I don’t really want to go into to much detail on the things that happened in the first few weeks and I honestly don’t even know where to start. But I guess I’ll start with my roommates. There were three of them, two on one side and one on mine. We were in a dorm called South Quad that had apartment style dorms. Roommate 1 was a frat star wannabe from Tennessee. Easily the most talkative of the three and simultaneously the most laid back. Second was anther low-key frat boy/redneck combo from Virginia. He didn’t talk much and he drove a 90s Bronco that I liked a lot. He got arrested the first night for passing out drunk in our parking garage. The third was our quiet, clean, kind, six foot gay king. He barely ever talked to any of us and you would’ve never known he was gay without him telling you. He could’ve easily kicked our collective asses but ended up moving back home after first semester unfortunately.
I knew that it was going to be a tough adjustment getting into the college life. I knew I wanted to become a Young Life leader and that it also meant I had to walk the walk first. The first week was good as I got to meet some new people at a YL hangout event. But by the time the second week rolled around I’d already met and made out with a girl who was a mutual friend of someone back home. That didn’t last but a few days because I had also met two other girls. I met them both separately at a bible study. I hooked up one day that week with one of them and I knew from that point that I didn’t want to get back into that lifestyle and didn’t want my college days to end up becoming a routine of physical feelings. My tipping point though came with the second girl. We’d hung out a few days and made out in my dorm. The day after I hooked up with the first one I went to tell her that I didn’t want to have sex with her and I think she understood where I was coming from, but she didn’t want that so we went our separate ways.
*ive written in the past about this before and I’d tried to push it out my mind, I may try and find the journal entries and put them here*
Those first two weeks sent me into a quick spiral and panic where I feared I was getting back into my old habits. But in my panic there were people there for me. And with the most perfect timing ever, came my Mom.
The day I’d turned down those two girls I went on a drive around Columbia to try and process things. I got back to my parking garage that around 11 that night and all the stress from those first few weeks had hit. The thought and fear that I didn’t really know anyone in Columbia crept in (though that was false) and had me in a panicked mindset. And for the first time in college I just sat and talked to God asking for help. Out of nowhere, I get a call from Mom. It was late and she would’ve been the last person I’d have expected to call at that hour. She was just calling to see how I was doing and I responded saying I was “fine” as I typically would, but she could tell something was wrong. But either way, she assured me that she loved me and hung up. When I got to my room I decided to open the letter that Mom and Dad had left for me on move-in day, I had yet to open it because I was afraid to read it for some reason. This is what the letter said.
“You’re here! In college! YAY! Can you believe it? We couldn’t be more proud of you and the young man you have become. So proud!
As your parents, it’s been such a pleasure to watch you grow up. You’ve frown into a young man who will make a good leader one day. You always show us how you’re eager to learn new things with determination and a good attitude. These qualities will help you on your journeys! We’re so excited for this next stage for you, and while we will miss seeing your handsome face each day, you can be sure we are cheering you on! Go! Go! Go!
Over the next few years you will learn to soar on your own. You will gain a little bit of knowledge wisdom and independence each day. We can see how eager you are for full independence right now. No need to rush it. It will come. It is a gradual process, and rest assured The Lord will prepare you for the plan He has for you.
In the years to come you will be faced with choices at every turn. Some easier to maneuver than others. Some you’ll ace, others not so much. You are smart. We know that. So remember to be still and take the time to think through your decisions, think before you speak, ask others that are wiser than you, and pray. You will be tempted. You can know that you will ultimately prevail but it will be a daily battle. Fight with humility. Let others, including us, fight with you. When you fail, seek and receive forgiveness. When you are successful, win with grace.
Never ever forget that we’re right here when you need anything. No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Never hesitate to call on us for anything. ANYTHING. We’re on your side. We’re your team. Go! And never ever forget that you will always have a special place right here at home. ALWAYS.
We are so proud of you and we love you so much! You are ready for this, now go and do your thing. Make new friends, celebrate the good around you, explore new and exciting places! Go!
Love, Mom and Dad”
That letter put me in tears. And boy did it come with perfect timing. The letter addressed some feelings that I wasn’t ready to admit myself and would be the beginning to a relationship with my parents that would blossom over the coming years, where it finally felt like a true relationship had begun. In the following days I went to whoever I could to escape my own space and ask for help in setting boundaries for myself. It was a hectic yet poetic beginning to my college years, and only a fraction of what was to come.
I think the thing that makes writing all of this so weird and funny to me is that all the things that had happened at that time seemed so big and were so emotional for me to process. However, looking back, they’re all just a blur and truly only a few laughable moments away from being forgotten.
Freshmen year overall was a very emotional time for me as it was for most freshmen. A majority of us had moved hours away to this place we’d never really been and taken a leap of faith to find wether or not we wished to commit to four years (or more) of college in Columbia. It took me a while to decide wether or not I wanted to stay in Columbia. Other than Anna and a handful of upperclassmen, I didn’t really have other friends that first semester. When I needed people around, my calls were seldom answered. This became an issue further into the semester when I started having more encounters with depression. I imagine some of my depression stemmed from the lack of community, but it somehow seemed to just come from thin air. I truly had little to no reason to be depressed but for some reason it was there. I didn’t know how to process any of it so I just kept pushing it down. I started getting occasional panic attacks too, most of the time they happened when I was in my room at night. I never really found a true cause for it that first semester. Frank Ocean was the anthem for my first semester and I felt like nobody was there for me, though I was too scared to really ask for help.
Second semester told quite a different story when I got more involved in Young Life College Life, where me and a handful of guys grew closer. However, I’d also been introduced to a girl who’d been coming around for a little while who can only be described as a heart sparkle in a time of emotional drought. It was a quick and brutal heartbreak that took me a minute to get over. For my spring break that year I went to visit Jesse in Fort Worth and to see a few friends I’d made from that Summer Staff, their names were Arenas, MJ and Autumn. That week was my first encounter with serious anxiety. I’m not sure where it came from exactly, but I had felt it from the moment my plane landed in Fort Worth.
That whole week Jesse introduced me to his culture and walked me through his life in Young Life and how he served both in and out of the ministry. I saw some beautiful things that week and was progressively writing about it as the week went along. I’m including those here.
“3-5-17
I have never felt what I’m feeling now to the extent that it has since i got to Texas. To make a long story short, my heart is hurting for this place. I have never seen people, let alone a whole community, so lost in trying to find themselves. I reached a point yesterday where it was hard to just not start crying, i didn’t know why i felt to cry so much, i just did. I see my friends here, living in this place, and all this is so normal to them. Everyone (apart from the few friends I’ve made here) I’ve seen is just sad. its almost like everyone has this mask on and they just keep updating it as time goes by. I have never felt so anxious about being somewhere before. And my friends here don’t even know whats going through my head. i love the people I’m here with, but they just don’t have what we have at home. its so much different and its incredibly hard to explain without actually being here. But its something i feel we all should experience; different places are good to see, but in some cases it can really hurt. and i can surely say, I’m hurt.. Now, i probably wont be in the same state of mind when i come home, so ill put here what I’m feeling now so you, and maybe some others can understand me later, but for now, i cant help but hold in the tears. I hate to see my family of friends living in the situations they are in, we are so fortunate to live in the places we do, and its incredible how different things are on the inside. we can look from afar however long we want to, but we cant understand until we actually go and get deep into the culture. and i truly mean getting deep into it. and this week I’m just praying that you would just have your heart broken for the people you’re serving. That you don’t only see what its like, but you immerse yourself into the lives of the people. And that you see how fortunate you are and how you’re in a position to make a difference. that the pain you feel, that it will fester inside you. But for that feeling not to become bitter or angry or scared, but all that love you have hurting inside would move your heart and push you to live a better life in all you do. and that no matter what happens, that you’ll always have your heart on christ. don’t lose yourself in what you do and what your title might be. no matter what you end up doing or where you end up going, i hope you never stop looking to the Lord. don’t ever lose the pain you felt for the ones you love or for the people you care about. because once you do that, you lose sight of what you’re actually doing, and without that painful love, there wont be any use in caring. please don’t lose sight of Christ, it doesn’t matter if you’re in Columbia or Fort Worth, Christ is always there, Christ is your identity, and i tell you what. aint nobody ever gonna be able to take him from you.
3-6-17
today started different, i got to see some action in Young Life here. I went to do contact work with my friend MJ this morning, its crazy how different the schools are here. The dynamic is so different, and I’m still seeing these hurting kids, no matter how far i go or where, the pain i still see in them. today was a little rough for me, anxiety hit for some reason and i felt a lot of stress for nothing it seemed. I got to do more contact work tonight with Jesse, and i finally saw it. after all the years I’ve been in young life, i have never been able to see whats truly behind the gospel in it. I saw something tonight that I don’t think I’ve ever seen anywhere else. I saw happiness. All these kids from broken backgrounds and broken families and broken lives came together in community to love the Lord. they got a chance to forget what was happening at home and got to forget their worries. and i finally saw what I’ve been missing all these years. and thats Christ. Its something I’m not really able to explain but i saw Christ tonight with these friends. and its something i never got the opportunity to see back home in my life. after we left, Jesse and i packed up and drove out to this place called, “Rio Libros,” and its this big plot of property owned by a Young Life committee guy. It’s nothing short of a dream. It’s like he took an image from my mind and put it on this land. It’s the perfect place to show friends Jesus and to just live in an amazing place. and i tell you what, I’m sitting on a couch inside just trying to hold in my tears, because this trip was what i needed. God brought me here to show me who i needed to be and to tell me to stop worrying. now i get it. i think I’m finally growing up.
3-7-17
now i don’t really think i can follow up with anything much greater than what happened last night, but theres some beautiful things today too. i woke up in a comfortable bed in the Rio Libros house, and when i got out there was some beautiful music playing outside. it was so beautiful, it was so peaceful. the air felt so clean and comfortable. i felt like i was in a dream. i felt like me and my boy Jesse were the only ones for miles. actually more like the only ones in the world. i haven’t felt a level of peace like i did today in a very very long time. theres something beautiful about the way the Lord works. He led me down this path and put all these things on my heart to bring me to this point, where i feel so peaceful and i know what it really means to be a disciple. all that pain and sadness and fear thats been put on my heart the past few weeks all came down to that little breaking point where i just broke and saw what it all really meant. what it means. I told Jesse after i wrote about the things going on and what I’ve seen the past few days. those tears came out, i held most of them in, but some still came out. but to end today and to try and think of just one thing to end on would be impossible. Theres so many different things I’ve learned and seen over the past few days, they’re just truly impossible to put into words. Gods plan is perfect. and no matter what happens, He’s gonna be there always. the plan is perfect and aint nobody gonna be able to change that.
p.s. im gonna be a leader”
***
When I got the text about me being placed as a Young Life leader I was so relieved. And after a week of witnessing Jesse in his ministry I was fired up and ready to go. And the following Sunday I was placed on team Spring Hill, a newly formed Young Life team in Lake Murray. Placement was an interesting day, it snowed in the morning which was weird for mid-march in South Carolina and then that night about 20 of us new leaders caught the same stomach bug, causing us to miss our first week of being leaders ironically. Nevertheless, once I was well I went head first into a ministry that I still had so much to learn about.