I imagine you’ve figured out what happens from the chapter title. Honestly, it’s pretty damn descriptive. Over the next few weeks, S and I spent much more time together. At this point, people knew we were a thing. Our first few dates went well, the typical lunch, dinner or movie date with those stop sign make-out sessions made for a wholehearted time together that I really loved. But pretty quickly, those turned into parking lot make-outs where things escalated over and over. That cursed bench seat in the 2005 F-150 made the perfect spot for whatever she and I wanted to do. With everything we did together a little piece of me, along with feelings for her, left. I invited W, R and S up to Brevard for a day, W drove us all back since I’d ridden with Mom and Dad. S and I hung out that same night. We met up at our usual spot in the school parking lot where I drove to the unlit parking spot near Field 5, a little league field near the school. And we had sex in the front seat of the truck.
Yeah. I lost my virginity in a parking lot in the front seat of my truck. I remember thinking after, “Thats it?” — I was sad that I’d craved sex for so long and finally had it. Physically it was great, but at that point all the emotional pieces I had for S had been lost in the physicality of our relationship. The feelings I had were overshadowed by the pleasure I’d been fighting against for what seemed like my whole life. I figured it was a problem with me though, and a few days later we officially started dating. A few weeks later we had sex again, this time it wasn’t good. I didn’t want it but she did so I went anyways. A few weeks later I went to my grandparents with my family. But just before I left, S had gotten worried because she was late. I didn’t know what that meant so she explained it to me. I spent that whole weekend silent, worrying I’d gotten S pregnant. In constant prayer, knowing good and well I was undeserving of God. With Wayne Kerr’s song ‘This is Not My Home’ on repeat, it was the longest weekend of my life. But finally I got the text saying she was good. I knew long before that point that I didn’t have feeling for her, but once the pregnancy scare was over I was determined to end our relationship.
In the span of about six weeks, I’d gone from being content with life, happy to love and physically inexperienced — to being angry, unhappy with myself, with the decisions I’d made, and the way I had disrespected S by allowing us to do those things. So when we all went to watch The Walking Dead that week, I told her my feelings and we broke up.
I told J everything a few days after, he was calm and understanding of my situation, and we made a plan to get back into the word. I knew what I wanted, and that was to feel loved and be loved the way I was before the relationship. I knew I wanted to love others too. But something was different now. I quickly returned to my happy lifestyle but the happiness was missing.
That semester ended with our TV group not hanging out anymore. Things were fine though, all things considered. That summer, I was set to go to Young Life camp at Carolina Point. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Jack was coming too, even though he went to a different school. I could write for days about that week. It was amazing, it felt like a month. I met so many people and made friends I still consistently talk to now. That week I entered into a different world where my problems were absent and my mistakes forgiven. And of course I was reminded of Jesus’ love and that I was forgiven regardless, that of which I knew deeply. I’d reached a place with myself and reconciled with mine and S’s relationship. I was afraid to leave, I felt a lot of emotions and in the moment I wrote about it. (Ask me about that writing and ill see if I can find it to show you)
Jack was there for me the whole way, so was J. That week fed into another week at a different camp for mine and Jacks church. That was a good week too. But Jack and I stuck at the hip for that week. All this set up for a summer with memories I’ll always love.