Category: Jumbled Thoughts & Writings

03-15-2022

Well, hey there! I’m going to do my best at writing to you normally, as if we were talking. It’s been a bit since I’ve sat to hand-write in a journal, quite a lot has happened since we wrote back here in 2020. By the grace of God, I have been filled with understanding.

Much of my writing has been typed up since writing, “Ambition of the Heart” in July 2020, so if you’re curious about what happened, feel free to reach out and ask for those writings. But hey! We’re here again! I can’t remember the last time I opened my bible to sit and read, I think it was late 2019 but I’m not entirely sure. Yesterday though, I decided I wanted to go through the wisdom literature, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Job. Now I don’t intend to write here like some bible study journal. I’ll probably write more like I’m speaking as I try to process what the Lord may be telling me through the books.

My heart is filled with Joy. It all kinda fell into my lap since my move to Tampa. I don’t think I’d attribute my joy with the decision to move to Tampa though. Because my anxiety caught up quickly after getting here. I don’t think I could tell you exactly why my attitude and heart changed so much. It changed before I fell in love with these friends here. It changed as I still lived in my sin and fear of leaning into a God I don’t understand. But what could I make sense of? I could chalk it up to nice weather or people or a job! But I’ve had those my whole life. Truly, nothing much has changed as the substance of my life goes. Yes, the situation as a whole is better, but my heart, my joy, personality and peace about Christ came unexpectedly.

The last few months have been spent subtly trying to make sense of that, my deservedness that is, of this gift of understanding. A fair chunk of that time was spent typing up those old writings from paper, along with writing other things. Other times were spent with these new friends that feel like old friends as we held conversations about love and joy and trauma and emotions and deservedness with Christ. All of which occurred naturally.

But this decision to work through the wisdom literature came about because I still want to make sense of this strange and incredible gift God has so unexplainably given me. It makes no daggum sense. Why me? I mean, I wanted the bare minimum for years! That’s all I asked for and he gave me something so personal and intimate that I couldn’t ever convey through words. So, with a little encouragement from The Bible Project, I’m going to go through the wisdom literature. Not sure how long it’ll take me or what I’ll write or not write along the way. But hey! That’s the joy of an adventure right? I don’t anticipate to write much as far as chapter or verse breakdowns go, it’ll probably be more spark ignited thoughts on God, wisdom and love than anything else.

As I’ve started Proverbs, Wisdom says those who seek her will be given her. Those who pursue understanding will be given it. Maybe that’s what’s been going on these last few years? Chasing questions about my own life and attempting to make sense of my personality and story, that, alongside God in my life and my half-assed sorry attempt at being faithful to him, but an attempt at understanding both nonetheless. I wouldn’t claim to have wisdom or true understanding of life though. Call it a peace more than anything. The peace of accepting I don’t know and more than likely won’t know the answers I seek, though I will still seek them.

Why me God? Why now?
What has been done to deserve such joy?
My life is cracked like fall leaves,
And my heart two-sided
Ready to change at a moments inconvenience.
I am a broken man with nothing to give
But you’ve given me all I need
My belly is filled with laughter
My eyes wet in love-filled emotion
A heart can desire nothing else but what you’ve given My heart desires nothing else but to share it.
Why me God? I don’t deserve this.
I will love you all of my days.

Last night, I think I saw lady wisdom in a dream. 

My battle with sexual desire has been one of the biggest, if not the biggest, struggle in my life since I was nine years old when it began. In the dream I was thinking about going back to it, though I’ve been away from it for a while now.

She approached me as a younger woman with an aura of kindness, giving me a receipt that looked much like the invoices I see at work for people that come to the shop to get their machines fixed. On the invoice were the costs of going back to my old ways. In the dream she didn’t scold me for my thinking, but she gave me the choice to see the costs on this sheet of paper. It made so much sense to me and I chose to deny my desire in the face of the emotional and relational costs of what I wanted to do. Thank you God for this understanding.

This morning I read Proverbs Chapters 9 to 12 after reading through chapter 8 yesterday. I’m having no immediate thoughts to write, I will come back after work to write after thinking.

I didn’t come back yesterday because there were no following thoughts after reading. I plan on telling the guys in my small group tonight about my dream from yesterday, so I may come back with thoughts afterward.

Chapters 13 to 16 seem repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, these all seem like wise little sayings and advice but it is heard to read as it is so long winded in such short form sayings. It doesn’t bring much thought. Maybe I’ve just seen too many “inspirational” Instagram captions to care! Who knows?

I told the guys in my small group last night about the dream and asked for prayers of guidance and patience through this study, or journey I guess, over the next few months.

Chapters 17 to 20 again with the inspirational Instagram captions, though I do have some thoughts I’d like to share, though only slightly related to the subjects of these chapters.

I’m only twenty-three, I still have much to learn as wisdom goes. And though this is a thought I’ve had since college, my actions have not lived it out. Among many other things, selfishness and anger have been prominent themes since freshmen year of college, I was eighteen at the time, with this haughty thought that inside I was holier than others. I thought I was the least of those around and those thoughts fed a misconception that I was somehow deserving of something. What that, “Something” was? I’m still not sure. I felt as if I lacked love in my life, or maybe just understanding of love. Of course, my curiosity of love fed many mistakes throughout my life but much of that curiosity soured into anger as the years progressed.

Looking back I feel like my misunderstanding of relational and romantic love made my actions and thoughts more irrational, feeding into a depressed, anxious and frustrated stage in my life where I questioned God after feeling like I was lesser than and, therefore “holier than thou” — This perception was wildly wrong. However, it has taken years to see that. Though, my stating this raises more questions, or just the question I began this study with. Why? Why me? I am clearly undeserving as the standards of men go. So what makes me, a twenty-three year old whose story is a sad shit-sack of shortcomings and subpar commitment to Christ, the recipient of such a life- filled, belly laughing, tear-filled joy? I’m grateful beyond explanation for such a wondrous gift, but why me? Why not give it to someone else? Is Gods love and grace truly infinite? And if so, what gives me the right to have it?

Do you think my emotional dissociation is a result of my past relationship trauma?

It’s been a while since I’ve driven fast. I just did 115 with the windows down across the Gandy bridge, it was bliss.

In Proverbs chapters 21 to 25 I liked the chapters more, it was a little more long- form advice and sayings than previous. But I already have some things I want to talk about here, so it may not relate to the scripture too much.

I’m not sure if I’m emotionally dissociating or just socially exhausted. When I’ve been around people I care about recently, I’ve felt, “Checked out” as I’ve felt distanced and a little confused on how to act. I’m glad I’m taking this time to sit, read and write because I get to talk about things I’m a little hesitant to bring up amongst them. I’ve been blessed with love and joy from the Lord, but I’ve felt distanced from it in these social situations. As I’ve gotten closer to these dear friends, this excitement of getting to know them, I feel, has set an unspoken benchmark of how I think I should feel all the time. This notion though has caused me to actively question wether or not I actually want to be around them or am just drained out. I’ve had a crush on this girl too, I feel weird about it. We’ve spent time together amongst friends and in more private situations but I’m nervous for some reason. These confused and exhausted feelings started a few weeks ago after I finally opened up about some past trauma and experiences with ministry that I’d held back on talking about even though she’d asked repeatedly.

I think I may be both socially exhausted and dissociated at the same time. Socially exhausted from spending so much time around people with little to no rest and dissociated because I finally opened up about those traumatic times that I pushed down over the last few years. Though I did, in the stories about those traumatic times, convey the love I’ve been given over the last six months and the ensuing joy that followed. So those tough stories did not come without redemption.

But this underlying need, or feeling, that makes me think she and my other friends won’t like me stems from my past relationships and friendships where I felt abandoned and forgotten just because I opened up. This is a perception that’s filled with toxicity and I refuse to feed it even though it survives. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, I can say I don’t feel like I am, but when the night ends, the thoughts are still there. I want so badly to be good enough and to care, I want to love others in a way that is respectful and isn’t too much. My love is here and is new, bursting at the seams. It’s as if I have a superpower and am still learning to control it. I can’t just throw myself out there willy-nilly as if it’ll lead me, my love that is, in the right directions and care for me at the same time. A mistake I’ve made in the past is that. It’s why I get drained and dissociate, I exhaust my own heart then wonder what went wrong when I feel distanced.

To love and to be loved comes alongside being known and knowing them too. Loving, I think, takes methodic thinking as everyone loves differently and in different capacities. It’s a scary concept for me, being methodic in love, since my personality and thinking are far from methodic. Being conscious of others’ feelings and their loving ways isn’t my forte and I think that is one of the things that leads to me feeling drained. I like quality time so it’s tough for me to understand those that don’t. And so far in Proverbs, amongst all these clever Instagram captions, I feel an underlying notion that the search for Wisdom and righteousness takes consciousness. It might take understanding others’ love and lives before truly being able to care for them. It, love, asks for trust first, on both ends. I don’t think I can love people I don’t trust yet, the same way I can’t love people I don’t understand either. And when I try to force myself to love without trusting first, it seems wasted. I get drained and confused and frustrated because the purpose of the love doesn’t make sense. It culminates into a batch of feelings tangled up, crossing over one another and getting lost in translation as I try and decipher them to get to the root of the problem. For the longest time, I believed that problem to be me, I was wrong. I am wrong for that.

Love with no goal, purposeless love, love with no true intention is wasted. It’s a gamble of the most valuable thing I’ve got and I don’t want to waste any more of it. I don’t say that meaning I won’t love others because I don’t know them, but this gift of love, this gift of joy, needs Wisdom beside it. I am not wise, I hope to be one day, but I am not wise. My love reaches an emotionally draining fault without it, so I want to be more methodic in how I utilize love, both relationally and romantically. I hope and pray that God would reveal some Wisdom to me in that facet of my life. I want God to help me understand how to love, how to use the gift he’s given me, not to waste it. And if I’m wrong in my thinking, let me feel it in the pit of my chest. Praise God for his gift of love, and let it not be wasted. May it flourish in calm and wise understanding as I attempt to traverse this chasm of relational love and care.

Ok I’m back a little later after thinking some. How do I know what ways my friends and family would receive love? My first thought or reaction, I guess, is to just ask. But how do I form that question? It feels a little aggressive and confusing to just ask, “How do you want me to love you?” as I imagine many wouldn’t take that too lightly since it’s such a personal and scrambled question. A question which seems so simple is scary and confusing when I turn it on myself. So, maybe, if I’m able to answer it myself first, then I may be able to curate the question better.

How do I want to be loved? I don’t mean, “Love languages” though those are good to know, I mean what ways do I want others to love and care for me? I don’t know. It wasn’t until last year sometime where I actually began to love myself, and that alone still sits in its infancy. But I can make a list of things that I think could be the answer to it.

– I want to be known

Being known stretches across many things for me. Of course, people can know me and my story but not give love. As many stories that I so carelessly tell, you’d think I would’ve figured out that being known is not what I want but instead, it’s to be cared for. Now a better way to say that would be to be actively known, which includes me being willing to convey how I feel at any given time, truthfully. I want those closest to me to care about my wellbeing and to take the time to sit with me and process, much like I’m doing here with this writing. I hate doing that though when it’s just a one-sided conversation because I feel guilty when it’s only about me. So I’d like it to be an open conversation in that sense. But some people don’t like that, I have a few friends off the top of my head who would cringe at the thought of it. So I’d need to be selective with who that may be with. But I now feel like that may not be the way I want to be loved. I may just be thinking that isn’t my way of being loved based off how I feel at this moment, feeling distanced and drained.

– I want honesty

This is also a two-way street. The honesty I’m able to share with those close to my heart tends to come with no hesitation. I want to convey my feelings and emotions alongside someone, wether or not those feelings are big or small. Honesty is a lot to ask from someone, it’s quite a scary thing in some situations. But the peace it brings me when a friend can breathe deeply and speak their heart with little to no hesitation fills me with a joy I can’t explain. It brings a feeling of closeness that I’d want to cherish and continue for years, them willing.

– I want to be questioned

“Challenged” may be a better word. But a friends that is willing to tell me when I’m wrong, stupid, or made them feel poorly is more valuable than most things. Yes, it hurts, but it shows that our relationship is not tied to fragile moorings so easily torn by my foolish feelings and decisions. I make a lot of mistakes, so this may be actively exhausted.

Ok now lets re-form this question! “How do you want me to love you?”

Being drained out after being around people you love is an uneasy feeling. It feeds into toxic thoughts that tend to only bring us down further. So my goal with the question would be, what can I do that our time together does not feel draining afterward? How do you want to be treated? How much space do you need? What ways can I love you best? There’s a lot of questions I could ask, but to try and culminate them into one, here’s what I think I’d say.

I don’t want love in this friendship to be wasted. I want to love you in ways that are receptive and build you up. What can I do and in what ways do you want to be loved?

Again, I feel drained because I’ve tried throwing love and joy at anything with a pulse. Though at times that can be good, it has caused more harm mentally and emotionally for me compared to those who actually received it. I’m going to ask my friends that question over the next few weeks, hopefully it will bring some clarity to this situation. God, please don’t let me waste your love.

Finishing Proverbs came quicker than expected. Among all the short sayings, chapter 30 sparked note on a feeling, that being, I have no wisdom. There’s much to be said for the mistakes I’ve made in my life as I have no justifications for my poor decisions and feelings that have followed me over the years. I could chalk it up to being a single 20-something but that wouldn’t be right. I am far from being wise. Wether it’s my mind or heart that wants understanding, I’m not sure which at the moment, I feel I’m undeserving of such a gift as wisdom. That feeling of being, “Undeserving” is prominent not only in my desire to gain wisdom but also in this Love, this “Agape” I’ve been given! That of which I’m sure I have.

So we kinda end this writing thru Proverbs the same way we started. Why me? Why am I deserving of this love? I tell you I am not, but it still lives inside me. I am undeserving of wisdom, which has not been made known to me, but desire wisdom though I know I am unworthy. God, please don’t let me waste your love. If there is wisdom for me, cleanse my heart that I may be worthy to know.

Ok, some final thoughts on this whole love dilemma. Last night I started asking friends the question about how they best receive love. Asking for feedback, I’ve received a handful of responses already, I’ll talk about a few of them now.

This is the message I sent them…

“Ok so here’s the pitch,

For a few weeks now i’ve felt really burnt out mentally, at first it felt like dissociation but when I started to wonder why, that made no sense. I’ve been blessed with a love that I don’t understand, the kinda belly laughing tear filled joy that I can only imagine comes from God. So might I start off saying, praise God for it. But that being said, I felt drained anyway.

As the digging began into this whole dilemma as to why these feelings were around, I couldn’t help but question wether or not that love was only applicable to me and not to those around me. That didn’t make sense, the thought of the love only being useful to me that is, so I juggled the idea and realized something.

The love I have and want to give hasn’t been very methodical. “Intentional” might be a better word but for the sake of straying from stereotypical Christian verbiage, i’ll just say methodical. When I realized this gift of love had been given, all I wanted was to give it away but I didn’t know how. I wanted it to live through every interaction in my day-to-day relationships, and i’m pretty sure that mindless thinking is what’s got me in this position. I’ve tried giving love to others in ways that might not be receptive to them. So as I tried spending this love on my dear friends, I made the mistake of not taking the time to understand how they love and best receive love.

^There’s a lot more I have to this thought but I just wanted to set up to this question. And please do give me your thoughts, feelings, emotions, concerns, etc. about this because if I am wrong in my thinking I want to know.

The question is “I don’t want love in our relationship to be wasted. I want to love you in ways that are receptive and build you up. What can I do and in what ways do you want to be loved?”

And the question may also be how do YOU tend to love others? I’m just curious of it all bc I feel my perception of HOW to love is so narrow, so i just want to know what y’all think about it.

If you want to respond to that question please feel free to reach out because I genuinely want to know. Also, if you have any criticisms of what I said please voice those too.

Thanks for taking your time to read“

The first person I talked to about this was my friend Jay. One of my closer friends since moving to Tampa, the son of the pastor of my church and borderline polar opposite to me (or so we thought).

I gave him my rant late last night about feeling drained and burnt out. We talked a while about it and came to a few points.

1. Am I allowing myself to be poured into?

Short answer to that, no. It’s simple to think though, that pouring out requires being poured into, quite an obvious thought actually. But as the two of us talked, we realized neither of us allow people to pour into us. For me it comes from a sense of fear and deservedness. Fear from past experiences of letting people into my heart for them to only leave it damaged, which caused doubts to arise on wether or not I’m even worthy of love.

Both of us kinda laughed and acknowledged these points, realizing if there was to be change, I would have to actively remind myself of our second point.

2. Don’t project past experiences and trauma onto my present and future.

Simply put, let it go kid. If I’m to allow myself to be loved and poured into in any capacity, I can’t be expecting my past experiences to repeat themselves. Though it’s possible some things may repeat throughout my life, I can’t continue to live in fear, attempting to protect myself from a future that holds uncertainty wether I like it or not. Which brings us to a side note that kinda relates…

2b. Don’t let the things that hurt you in the past, keep you from loving in those same ways again.

That is the biggest thing that has me shutting others’ love out, that being, I so badly desire control over my own life — Aside from Gods hold on my heart of course. But my belief that having walls up would protect me is so wrong, walls can be useful of course, but at what point do I realize that the whole time I was trying to keep others out, building the walls higher, I had been trapping myself inside at the same time. Confining myself to a gray space of repetitive, surface level, menial interactions that I tried to tie this gift of love into. As if I were wrapping the love up in little balls of affection to then throw over my walls, hoping that someone would be on the other side, expecting them to be receptive.

3. Stop looking for answers where I should be looking for God.

Stop looking for how to love certain people when the evidence of Gods grace, creation and love is right in front of me. The beauty of friendships, their stories, their emotions, they’re all so unique! How on earth can I be looking for answers on how to love when the evidence of God surrounds those I’m attempting to love in the first place.

This was the extent of mine and Jay’s conversation before asking one another how we wanted to be loved or best received love. Those answers I will keep private for now.

Shortly after going home I sent the same message from before to a few different group messages, curious of what they’d say. My buddy John was the first to respond, he had quite a lot to say. The short version of our conversation made two points.

1. Since I feel my perception of love is so narrow, the question I should be asking alongside the other is, “How do YOU love others?” not necessarily, “How would you like me to love you?”
2. People that truly love us figure out how to love us because we grow understanding for one another. Note that each friendship is different as those loves are different, this may be why loves are perceived so differently.

John also made the point that it’s hard to love so many in such little time. Though it’s noble to have numerous friends, not all of them can receive or be as receptive of love if I’m already stretched too thin. So, start small Hank.

Some other responses I’ve gotten have been about understanding love languages and a handful of people today have recommended the ‘5 love languages’ book, so I may read that at some point.

Amongst the other responses, it seems so far, that perceptions on how to love relationally differ a lot. Some saying to be patient and grow in knowing who you’re trying to love first with others saying to love like yourself anyway. There are some patient outlooks and others not so much.

I do see a common trend of needing to be known to be properly loved. Take it from the author of love Himself. God knows us intimately, which may be one of the reasons his love feels so strong. We have this perception that God knows our innermost being but chooses to love us regardless. It’s an emotionally wrenching, trauma breaking concept that God would choose to love us through all our shit, but we know it deep down to be true. So who’s to say that the first step in really loving someone isn’t to be willing to trust and know them deeply?

Maybe this is where my thoughts have been getting caught up on HOW to love. Considering I still don’t know a majority of these new friends deeply, it’s tough to try and scheme how to love them properly. That lack of intentionality in relationships results in this shallow feeling. That is my fault for not making the effort to truly know them better before trying to spend my love on them.

I’m hopefully going to field some more responses over the coming days so I may come back to this topic but for the time being, those will be my final thoughts.

Being able to talk through this and narrow down some reasons as to why I’ve felt burnt out has brought a lot of peace on the matter. Though it’s led to a few answers, it makes sense that there’s no clear and cut way of how to love and be loved. My biggest takeaways are…

— Search for God in place of answers
— Make a patient effort to know others as you learn to love them.

So how do I receive love?

I want to be known. I feel loved when someone takes the time to know me. Ironic it took me so long to understand this for others when it was how I felt all along. I want to be brought up in honest affirmation AND criticism. Having the opportunity to just sit and talk and process with someone with my walls down is the most valuable thing to me. Maybe we don’t love too differently after all. Who knows? Hopefully I will soon.

Why am I nervous to love though? I don’t think it’s surprising that I’m nervous, it’s just the thoughts in the back of my mind questioning if I’m doing it correctly. But hey, that’s how we ended up here in the first place. Fuck me… here we go.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I’m uncertain about. I mentioned that I had a crush on one of my friends. She’s nice and has certainly taken time to listen to my mindless ramblings from time to time, so bless her for that. But I’d be lying if I said a lot of my nervousness hasn’t come from my thinking wether or not I actually like her or am just excited in getting to know someone more. My questioning on how to love didn’t arise from this situation though, although it has presented some points. But back to the dream.

It was a short one, as they usually are. This girl and I were standing in her kitchen, she was making breakfast I think. In the dream I had a pitcher of water in my hand, like those old plastic ridged ones from a small town diner. While we were standing in the kitchen the girl turned around with an empty mug in her hand and a smile on her face. I took the pitcher and dumped it all out into the mug as it spilled out over the cup, onto her and all over the floor. She looked up at me with a little grin and said, “What are you doing?” I said, “What do you mean?” not understanding I’d just poured water all over her and the floor. She looked back at me, grabbing my hand with the pitcher and said, “Do it like this.” As I looked, the water from the floor, her sleeves and the mug had all disappeared and the pitcher was full again. She took my hand with the pitcher and slowly poured a little into the mug, just enough to fill it, then she took a sip. She looked at me and said, “That how you’re supposed to love.” — Then I woke up.

10-23-2021

Growing up around my middle school/high school years, I had one pretty consistent prayer that preceded most others.

“God I just want one good friend.”

I probably prayed that hundreds, maybe thousands of times before it kinda just faded away. It was a prayer that has been repeatedly answered throughout my life and continues to be fulfilled, but every once in a while I find myself saying that little prayer. I don’t do it because I don’t have good friends, that of which I’m certain I have an abundance of. I think I pray it in hopes that I’ll be able to find out why God answered the prayer in the first place.

Now I don’t intend to write this in hopes of receiving affirmation or response, nor is this an attempt to draw sympathy as there’s no cause to bring it. This is simply me processing and shouting praise to a mercy that I don’t deserve but have been given nonetheless.

About halfway through college I started having doubts regarding my own self-worth and ability to care for others. By this point I’d been battling internally with some mental health issues that had consistently been pushed under the rug and seldom talked about with anyone close to me, so as you’d imagine, both of these factors fed off one another fairly well. One of the biggest problems that came up was me questioning how I could be loved. There came an absence of joy when these ideas started in. It made no sense! The idea of love, that is. This vacancy in my heart had crept in and made me question my own believing life.

“Am I doing enough?” I thought.

I figured I felt this way because I hadn’t put in enough effort into loving others and reciprocating the love God had shown in my life. But throwing myself into work, pursuing relationships and ministry only seemed to widen the hole that had crept its way into my heart.

“I guess I’m just broken.”

We’d passed the point of reminiscing on better days and accepted this as the new normal, I could tell that my friends didn’t want this version of Hank around and rightfully so. I carried a bitterness around that only others could taste, followed by a self-righteous anger that fed off the negativity I felt towards the people I wanted to love me the most.

“Why don’t they want me around?”

Eventually I started to disassociate completely, the new normal had set in and the belief that I was unworthy of love had made itself known. Not only did it make itself known, it shouted it from the crown of my head deep into my chest. Emotionally, I felt like a failure and became so confused as to why I didn’t care anymore. I wanted nothing more than to care for and about others, but all I could muster was a helping hand and a smile.

“I don’t have feelings!” I told myself and others jokingly

After college, all I wanted to do was stay home, in my safe space, behind my screens. There, I felt like I had purpose and others who cared about me, up until the moment the screens turned off. I didn’t want to leave the apartment, I was afraid of facing the world. I didn’t want to be seen and I most certainly did not want to be heard, there seemed nothing good to tell. But I still wanted nothing more than to love and to be loved.

“Keep running from the problem.” I said, moving to Tampa.

It didn’t take long for it to catch up. A new place, job and friends who are one in a million and those feelings caught up so quickly.

“God whats happening?”

I sat scrambled for a few days because I couldn’t help but question my worthiness to be loved in any capacity. How could God love me? I don’t even love me? That was it! My own capacity to love and to be loved had been shrouded by this feeling in my heart that I was undeserving of love. An idea that had rooted itself in my own self hatred and quite frankly, an animosity towards what I felt had been a subpar life when it came to caring for others. The roots of these feelings had been watered by my own mistakes over the years that I held as my reasoning behind why I felt those ways. But the true issue had made itself known as being these lies ridden across my subconscious.

I’ve been surrounded by love, love abounding in ways I could never explain here and hope I can try to show next time I see you. I’m learning to love more and more as the days go on, but boy has God shown me how. It’s impossible to explain without knowing mercy. Mercy to forgive, mercy to love myself again, mercy I’m shown after running away, mercy for all the things I wish I could do-over. But most importantly, mercy knowing that I am forgiven of all I’ve ever done, do or will do.

So here’s to living in Love, a good friend, and our merciful God.

11-11-2021

Since moving to Tampa, I’ve been on a few dates with a few different girls. They’ve been nice and certainly classified as “Certified Cuties” but I’m finding myself caught in this space that I don’t quite understand yet. Of the three girls I’ve been on these first dates with, two of them have asked “So you’ve never been in love?” or “Have you ever been in love?” after conversation flowed to that point. Both times it caught me off guard, not only because it seemed like an out-of-pocket question but from the fact I didn’t know how to answer.

I don’t say that as if I’ve never experienced love before, of course I have! Love has been evident throughout my life from my family, friends, and if you’d like to consider it, religion. A culmination of a life bonding love that I’ve grown with my family throughout my twenty-three years and a cheeky, quick-witted love that my friends have reciprocated since my high school days. All that comes alongside a spiritual grace and mercy that I myself cannot explain, I know in my heart that whatever has stirred in my heart is true but there are no words to describe it. But in the sense of romantic love, I don’t know what that’s like and it really bothers me. So bear with me while I try to process what’s hopping through my head.

If you really know me and have spent a lot of time around me, you’ve probably heard me use the term, “heart sparkle” to describe someone that I’m interested in. I like to think of that term as a way to emphasize that little flutter feeling I get in my chest whenever I’ve gotten hugged or kissed. However, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually gotten that little flutter feeling from a romantic interest and one just so happens to be the girl I went on a date with Monday. To be honest, I’m writing this because I got a little nervous after I felt that feeling once the date was over. I’d only met this girl once and had wonderful conversation with her but how is it that a feeling that I’ve barely ever felt in my life could happen then? Happen now? We barely know each other yet and I think I can say now that if she were to completely ghost me today, that I would be fine. Of course I would be a little upset but I don’t think it would bother me much after that initial rejection. What would bother me though, is wondering why I got that little sparkle feeling in my chest and in my stomach?

It’s been a good 5 years or so since the last time I remember having that feeling and I spent weeks chasing that feeling until it kinda just fizzled away and she and I went our separate ways. And in every potential relationship since then, I’ve tried to replicate that sparkle, that, “Kick” in my heart and failed… Miserably.

In no way am I intending for this writing to be some kinda sob story about my subpar dating life, I’m just bringing my feelings to the forefront so I can see them head-on.

After all those failed “talking” stages and Netflix nights that feeling was still missing. With some girls I chased something physical, others I tried quality time and getting to know them, eventually it turned to my intrinsic need to serve others. I began to equate my feelings for the girls I was interested in based on how much I was able to do for them, how much I could serve them. And I think this really tainted my perception of relationships. Meaning, I was pursuing these relationships based on a one-sided notion of “How much can Hank do for me?” that I happily wore across my forehead. It wasn’t even feelings I had behind these girls during these “talking” stages, I really just wanted to feel valued. And I’ve written a few times recently about feeling valued and mercy and loving myself, so this goes hand-in-hand with those thoughts. But I did not feel value in my own life, the only way I could be valuable to the people I was interested in was to be the one who was always willing to help, at least that’s what was going through my head. Of course it wasn’t until my move to Asheville that those notions became uprooted and my self-love and realization of value began to grow again and I think this has to do with why I’ve got these heart sparkles right now. So much time has been lost on what others consider me as, how my feelings never seemed real, or what I could do to incite some kind of emotional excitement and I’m so glad to be on the other side of that.

I think I’m finally in a place, both emotionally and spiritually, where I can actually begin to love someone without the worry of what I should or shouldn’t do in order for them to love me more. Hank is Hank, I am who I was meant to be and nobody can change that. I want someone who gives me heart sparkles, I want them to be interested and to love and really want to spend time with me. I’ve said it so many times but I want to love and to be loved, and in a sense, I think I’m starting to know what that means.

02-09-2022 — 9:52 p.m.

If there was an easier and more concise way for me to give you my thoughts on Blue Like Jazz I’d be doing it. But for now you’re stuck with an off the cuff jumbling of my thoughts and feelings on a book that, for a moment, seemed very personal and strangely familiar to some of my own beliefs and questions throughout my journey with Christ.

I’m going to try my best to give you my thoughts on Blue Like Jazz without getting too carried away. Along with that, sometimes I get carried away when I write stuff like this, sometimes it’s long and sometimes not, so we’ll see how it goes but I love doing stuff like this so I have no remorse if this turns into a full blown essay. My goal here is to not get too lost on the book or on Donald Millers message, but relate to it in the only way I really know how, through my own life. This may develop as a series of stories or feelings or just random thoughts from the pages I saved but I’m going to attempt to do what you asked and be honest.

At first, Blue Like Jazz seemed odd. It was jumpy and sporadic at times and that stood out to me, not because it was a little difficult to latch onto in the first few pages, but because Millers writing, to me, seemed a lot like mine. In the sense that, what seemed like random stories at first, slowly turned into a timeline of him processing thoughts, feelings and stories about his own life and those of his friends along the way, at least that’s what it seems like to me. The little chapters within the chapters made sense to me and had my attention from the get-go. The style of writing, stories about his beliefs and life experiences resonate with me a lot and at times (as cliche as it sounds) was like I was reading in a mirror. Not saying that Donald and I are too similar, that of which I doubt we are, but in his questions and his desires I saw ironic similarities. I saved three pages or sections I guess of the book, (ps sorry in advance about folding the corners of those pages) two that were like those mirror moments and one that wasn’t.

“I never thought I would love a church. But here is what I love about Imago-Dei” (pg.136)

In chapter 12 he talks about churches. He expressed anger and confusion towards previous churches and interactions, this came before the ending of the chapter where he’s talking about his church, Imago. There’s four things he loves about the church that actually made him love it.

The first of which being spiritual, second was art, the third is community, but the fourth was what caught me. He mentions “authenticity” as the fourth and when I first started reading it I rolled my eyes. But by the last sentence, my feelings had been turned.

“…by being true I am allowing people to get to know the real me, and it feels better to have people love the real me than the me I invented.” (pg 137)

I’ll talk about STF for just a second. A little honest truth is STF if the first Church I could even remotely call home since my early high school days, even if that. For the longest time, Church had left a sour taste in my mouth as it has for many. What seemed to me like a recycled process of emotions and emotional drought had me doubting not only myself but the love I had for others. I stopped going to church during college, even while I was still a Young Life leader, not because I didn’t want to, because there was no sense of authenticity out of me. And since moving to Tampa and stumbling into STF this part about me just kinda started to bleed out. It’s why I write so much, I know I’ve rambled about my writing to you before but what Donald said is the reason I write so much in private. There’s this feeling inside where I just want to share verbally and emotionally with others in hopes they’ll do the same, and for a while I’ve just written to myself as if it was directed at others hoping one day I’d have the guts to finally push “send”. I mean I really do enjoy it I can’t lie, and there’s a punchy-heart feeling inside that longs for my friends and family to know who I really am and how I truly feel about them but it just seems so hard to communicate. And that little bit of authenticity, that little bit of truth is what I want so desperately and have been slowly working towards since finding a little bit of a home in STF and in the surrounding community. I want nothing more than for my friends and family to know my heart. They don’t need to love me, I just want them to know the truth!!

“I fear what people will think of me, and that is the reason I don’t date very often. People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn’t like me.” (pg. 143)

I like to think that Donald wrote this over a long processing period because, in the past, I’ve felt the same way. Late in college I would drink myself to the floor while living alone in fear that I would be unloved if my friends really knew me. This comes at a weird contradiction to what I just wrote a second ago but let me clear the air. That feeling took a lot of time and guidance to process. Yes, it’s still a fear of mine that if I share too much about myself, people may draw back from me. However, I have no control over their feelings and nor can I change my past and what it has made me. I didn’t think many others felt this way about themselves, Donald wrote a lot of things in Blue Like Jazz that were real mirror moments to my own life but I feel this may be the biggest.

Yes, much my life has been spent acting as a shallow personality whose true story has been nothing but a testament of repeated fuck-up’s. But hey! The peace that came with my acceptance and acknowledgment of that truth has brought more joy than any two-faced lie of a lifestyle ever did. I’ll be honest, I don’t even know where I’m going with this section. I just wanted to say that. It’s also a little late so sorry if it’s getting jumbly, I probably won’t fix it.

He goes on to talk about it in his relationships but I’m not talking about that considering my comically short track record in that department…

I’m not going to talk about the last thing I noted in the book. It was about money and in retrospect you probably don’t want to hear anything about that. And I am also starting to think too much now about wanting to say the right words to try to sound good so now ill just rant.

It was a little alarming, this book. Many of my own fears and struggles were written throughout and met subsequently with answers, some of which were good and others only applicable to the writer. I liked the book a lot, hell if I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have sat here so long after work reading the dang thing, let alone be here writing this. Blue Like Jazz, to me, is a book about feelings, processing emotions, telling stories, and attempting to understand my desire to love and to be loved. But more importantly, living life with a merciful Savior. I loved the book not because of the good content but because it fueled this desire to know some feelings that I seldom let myself feel and a God I don’t understand. And I’m not saying I understand them now, because that’s FAR from the truth. No, I liked the book because again, I’m shown that I don’t need all the answers about myself or my life or my emotions to come to a God whose entire being is already beyond understanding. I want to trust that Christ will give me those answers, but I won’t mind if he doesn’t.

02-22-2022

I’m going to preface this by saying I’ve been given more than I deserve. God has been faithful to me as I have not to him. The last few months have been nothing short of a dream, and no that’s not why I titled this as such, since August of last year. It’s as if I’ve been swept off my feet and carried beyond my own ability and understanding. Past fears, angers and animosities have seemed to all but fade away and faded rather quickly. Nothing short of a miracle. A sense of joy has filled my life alongside my sinful nature but not as a result of my sin but from the understanding that I have been forgiven of all I’ve ever done, do or will do — Damn, what a gift. Before this, I’ve written on a couple of occasions about dreams, both in the sense of goals and literal dreams themselves, and I’m here laying in bed because I want to process through a dream I had last night.

I’ve begun to grow closer with some new friends since my move to Tampa and my return to Church. I’ve made a handful of friends alongside the ones I had moving here that became friends somewhat against my will, others just naturally, but all of which have become near and dear to my life and my heart. I know without a doubt that these friends who I’ve known but a short amount of time are genuine and kind and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with and getting to know them. So thanks to the Lord for that.

Last night I had a nightmare. I haven’t had a nightmare in a while and I dream pretty often and its generally easy for me to remember the dreams I have within the first few days, so I wanted to write this down before I forgot too much about it. The dream in itself was pretty quick, I was on Bayshore Boulevard in Tampa. No cars were on the street and from the start (or what I remember as the start) of the dream there was someone chasing me. It was a person I didn’t recognize, but in the dream I was scared, running not for my life but in fear of something, only in fear of what or who was after me. I ran for a few short moments away from it and turned to see a few of these new friends I just mentioned running beside me to stop me. They all grabbed me pretty quickly, not in an aggressive sense but as if they came to help. I stood there with them, their hands touching my arms and shoulders asking if I was ok and why I was freaking out. All the while I could still see this person from the start running towards me. Pretty quickly I realized that they couldn’t see that what was chasing me. As the person chasing me got closer my fear grew and I fell to the ground. I screamed and cried but my friends couldn’t see them. My friends came to the ground with me, surrounding me and holding me as I cowered in fear before them, that who was chasing me reached the edge of the circle my friends had made, looked at me, then disappeared. It was then when I woke up.

It was about 3:20am when I woke up and my initial thought was, “That was strange.” — But something about it all comforted me. Now you don’t have to look at that dream in any kind of philosophical sense, and I could just discount it as a result of spending a lot of time with them over the last few days/weeks alongside my lack of sleep. But this big part of me wants to believe that this dream was some way of the Lord telling me that they’re here for me and I, subsequently, for them. A notion that says, no matter what or who is after me, what I’m going through or am fearful of won’t come without a faithful and caring community beside me. That could be a corny take but a community like this is what I’ve wanted and prayed so long for. I know it won’t come without its difficulties and I’ve been blessed in the past with communities, but none have been like this. This one is special and God please don’t let me screw this one up.

That’s all I have for now, have a great Tuesday.

02-23-2022

Stopping for a second while finishing reading A Severe Mercy. I wanted to go back on something I’ve been saying for a couple years now and that’s my desire to “love and to be loved” which has found its way into a handful of the things I’ve written since it came up in 2019. It is something that Sheldon Vaunauken said in his second to last chapter that kinda corrects what I’ve believed to be the truth over these last few years, not necessarily jumping out of the page though so subtly showing me that I could be wrong about all I’ve said to this point regarding my desire to be loved.

That is, in this chapter titled, A Severe Mercy (yes it is the chapter title and title of the book), he is dwelling on his now passed wife Davy. Reflecting on their time together and notating that some moments he has found to live “eternally” apart from other moments together. I feel like I should also say that this book has now taken me a little over two years to finish but were getting there. But nevertheless, he begins talking about his glimpses of the eternal in other things besides time with Davy, such as his dog. My first thought though is steeped in a little bit of frustration because I have no immediate memories that seem to live in eternity. I most certainly have good memories that I cherish but none that unmistakably seem like they’d live eternally or at least throughout my life, and that really bothered me. That was until I backed up over a sentence where he said, “Reflecting upon my perception of the total or eternal Davy, so much more completely to be known and loved…” (Ch.19 pg.199) that I began to stutter over my own thoughts. To be known and loved, so close to my thought of love and to be loved but so much more detailed. Maybe not detailed but more conscious, by that I mean maybe this whole time I’ve confused being “known” with being loved.

Looking back that makes much more sense than anything else I could’ve conjured up, being known is the whole reason I am who I am now. I want to be noticed I want to be desired I want to be appreciated and yes I want to be loved. But instead of prioritizing my desire to love others, I’ve instead prioritized this desire to be known first. Is that bad? Am I selfish for wanting to be known and confusing that for a desire to be loved? I’m glad this thought is in my head now because I would’ve never considered it without reading it here and now.

Do I feel loved because others show interest or because they know me already? But hold on to that, I fear that if people know me, truly, that they wouldn’t love me, that there’s something unlovable about knowing someone fully and the mistakes I’ve made throughout my life. The only one that fully knows me is God himself and much of my disbelief in him throughout my life has been wrapped up in the idea he couldn’t love me because he knows me, something that has taken time and frustration and those slow windows down drives to really work through. I know that I am loved immensely by God and that I am forgiven but its still such a foreign concept once I get down into the business end of things. No negativity here, just wanting to correct my prior statement of “love and to be loved” into wanting to know AND love someone alongside being known AND being loved in a similar fashion.

But why must it end there? Why have these past friendships and relationships grown so stale once all the excitement of getting to know them is done? Why has there been no excitement in the act of living life alongside others? I don’t mean that as if I don’t love my lifelong friends, of course I do, but maybe there’s an answer here to those other failed relationships and friendships. That sparky, excited to see them, heart punching feeling might only remain if I understand that the act of living life with them, not only knowing but really committing to a relationship with them, may only progress if that past-dwelling, initial relationship excitement fueled feeling is lost. Because I cannot live life while I’m still thinking about what was and what has been. Those “eternal” memories to be made should not hinder me, but coax me towards loving greater. Does that make sense?