05/03/22
There’s some ongoing things that I’ve not been able to stop thinking about over the last few days. A majority of which could be accompanied by silly stories and drunken ramblings but one in particular has come up more than the others. Recently, a friend asked what it would be like if I was stuck on a road-trip with my kid self. It’s a funny thought, the idea that I’d be in the drivers seat with a younger version of myself riding along. I think I’d be, or “he” would be, sitting there with some headphones in trying to mind his business as the time went on, not worrying about what my future may hold. I can’t lie though, I’m more concerned on wether or not I’ve become who my childhood self wanted me to be, or at least hoped.
I imagine I’d be annoyed by my kid self, with questions probably revolving around what kind of Nerf guns there were or if scientists had made a real life lightsaber yet (I’m still hoping for that one) but what would I tell him? Who’s to say I wouldn’t spend hours telling stories about what happens in the years to come, or maybe wait for those prying questions that a middle school Hank would ask once the awkwardness cleared the air. What I’d hope he’d ask would be something about our friends, who’s stays and who doesn’t. Who are they and what are they like? It’d take hours just to tell some of the stories but the present situation would come to the fact that I love them in a way that I doubt my kid self would really understand.
But really, what of love might a middle school Hank know besides a side-hug in the parent pick-up line after school? I doubt very much of what could be told without some things getting lost in translation. He might ask about the crush he had at the time and if it worked out, only for me to maybe laugh and tell him to focus on some different things moving forward, but of course I wouldn’t have listened.
I am drastically different now than I was then, as anyone would be, and we’ve learned a lot as the few years have chugged on. So I wonder if I would even feel safe with myself knowing this is how we’d end up. My thoughts would be simple, questions brief, and desires ever so awkwardly bland. I’d laugh at my kid self but probably tear up in the fact I’d understand who he became without him knowing. I’d want to explain what is to come but there’s no way I could convey my heart with so much emotional capacity still lacking in who he is.
Was it lacking though? Have I grown the capacity to love in different ways or have I just accepted that of which who I am and was made to be? There must be so much that was misconstrued over the years that would make me question wether I’d be comfortable with my kid self. I do believe that if I was with my childhood self, that he would feel safe with me. I would be patient with him and listen and try to love him in a way that he’d understand. Because against the odds, I think I became the person kid Hank wanted. I became not the person we wanted to be but the person we wanted in our life. We wanted someone who was there, who was around no matter what, someone who’d sit through the laughter and the tears, someone who called us to hang out, someone who’s idea of quality time was just sitting around even if it was in silence. I don’t think I’ve become who kid me wanted to be, but instead who he wanted in his life.
I realize as I’m writing that I’m trying to say things that would impress people if they were to read. It’s irritating to say that I can’t exactly explain my thoughts and feelings on what it would be like to meet myself. Truth is, I would be terrified, I’d probably count the minutes as the time rolled on down the road, fearing how the miles slipped away with nothing to say, wondering how I could’ve used our time better. I’d be afraid to go into detail on what our life was really like, the shortsighted pains that I let drag on too long or fears I ran away from, but what kid Hank in the passenger seat might find as joy in the fact that silence was enough. At least to know he had someone willing to take the time to try and explain things he didn’t understand quite yet. Only to tell him all the waiting has been worth it and that there’s no need to worry what his future holds, because in the present, everything ends up ok. And all the fears you thought you had seemingly slipped away as love became subtly evident throughout your life. So as the miles dwindle down to wherever our road-trip leads us, the time spent together would be enough to see that we, so far, have become who we always wanted, but never expected to be.