It’s been a few months since my last writing, there’s a few things that I want to process through in this so I’m going to split it up into three parts.
1. Used To The Heat
2. Wanting Certainty
3. Guilt
Used To The Heat
I’ve spent just over a year in Tampa. This is my first full summer and I figured the heat would be worse than it was. I really think South Carolina was hotter but I may just be acclimated to the year-round heat here. That point felt like a good analogy to explain the first thing I want to process through, that being, I feel acclimated to the feelings I was so enthralled with before.
It’s disappointing really, I’ve written so much about this heart thumping, belly laughing, tear filled joy but have since become used to the feeling. I can’t say that heart and the subsequent community has left, it hasn’t, but I feel different at the thought of it. It’s shown to be a vacant-minded feeling and I get lost in thought pretty frequently wondering if I went wrong somewhere in the last few months, as if I’ve not taken advantage of the gift I’ve been given. I can’t complain though, what love I’ve been given by the Lord is still far beyond anything I was ever able to do on my own, though I am still trying to fill the self inflicted cracks.
I say, “Cracks” as if I wasn’t the cause of those vacancies in the first place. I was and am filled by the Spirit, though my tendencies to wander into curious and sinful situations still precedes my reputation. I damage myself though I’ve been given all I could ever hope for, I’ll own that, I understand that’s a big proponent to why I may feel acclimated and frustrated at the thought of it. What doesn’t make sense is my emotional competency? I’ve spent a pretty big chunk of time working towards understanding my feelings, writing through, and processing why I feel certain ways. That’s easily the second most important thing behind Christ in my life, though those two may share some intricacies in my heart I have yet to understand.
I feel acclimated to Love, that’s what I’m trying to say. I know I’m acclimated to a certain point, though the causation is what confuses me, and I’m wondering wether or not I’m pouring out too much or am just used to it. I’d like to think that Love isn’t like drugs and that I don’t just get acclimated the more I have it, but when I consider the chemical balance in my head, I can’t look past that. Am I to base my life solely off feelings? I’m not sure I like that idea. I’m still loving on my friends and don’t think I’ve changed how I do that, my desire to love consistently has slowly fallen off and it’s all from a lack of feelings I’ve felt towards love in my life. The uncertainty has made itself known, and though I’m not afraid of that, it raises a lot of confusing thoughts and brings me to the next part.
Wanting Certainty
It’s no doubt that Christ has my heart, I’ve given it fully to him and I believe that Jesus gave his life on the cross for my sins and he has forgiven me of all I’ve ever done, do or will do. That needs to be pointed out before I move further on this section as to not raise questions on my beliefs because I’ll make known a series of doubts I have, not in him but my own life, as to not dishonor the name of Christ in the presence of my inadequacies.
Sheldon Vanauken in A Severe Mercy writes about his commitment to Christ noting that he has two very distinct choices, those being to either take the leap towards Christ or away. He says on believing in Christ, “If I were to stake my whole life on the risen Christ, I wanted proof – I wanted certainty. I wanted to see him eat a bit of fish. I wanted letters of fire across the sky. I got none of these.” (Vanauken) — I read this back in college and when I first heard it out loud made so much sense in my heart as I held a lot of curiosity towards Christ and who he’d made me to be. The book as a whole took me a few years to read fully and I didn’t finish it until earlier this year when my feelings towards certainty became clearer.
The certainty became clearer when the belly laughing, tear filled joy came into my life, that was certainty to me. Certainty was all it took for me to become vulnerable and really begin to love those around me in a way I’d never experienced before. However, I still feel acclimated to the feelings I felt and still feel. I don’t know why and once again I’m asking for certainty in that aspect. I want certainty that these feelings won’t be lost and the stagnancy won’t last. I understand there are vacant times of life, along with seasons in which certain feelings come and go, but this time in my life doesn’t seem like it should be one of those because I’ve started dating someone.
Maybe it’s against my better judgment, that is, to start dating someone in such a vacant time of my life. She asked me out and we hit it off, though the writhing uncertainty has led me to continue a relationship I’m unsure of. The only reason I’ve let it go on is because I believe it’s my fault I don’t have particularly strong feelings towards her. Truthfully, I haven’t felt strong feelings for anyone and I’m afraid to tell her that because I already broke things off with her once when we first started going out a few months ago. I did it because I wasn’t sure of what I felt towards her initially but blamed it on my uncertainty and decided to continue going out to see if my feelings changed, they have slightly, but I think it may just be emotional attachment. Physical attachment too, chasing a dopamine fix because, again, I want to fill the cracks I’ve caused. But then I find myself in a dangerous cycle of trying to fill self inflicted emptiness while causing more damage in the process. I’m afraid to break things off again because I don’t want to hurt her. She likes me and I don’t know why. I don’t think I fully trust her, she spends time with me and cares about me and says all these things she likes about me but I don’t trust her. I can’t trust her because all the things she does and says I don’t believe about myself. I’ve never believed such things about myself and have left it up to Christ to fulfill me in those empty spaces.
I’m unworthy to be loved by Christ and unworthy of his gift, I’ve been given it nonetheless and would be foolish to not take it. He’s forgiven me repeatedly and I’m unafraid to come to him when I know I need forgiveness, God in the flesh whose never ending love abounds in ways I still know very little about. I’m unworthy in every aspect. That being said I still come to him because he knows my heart and he’ll love me no matter what. That’s something I can’t guarantee with this girl. I can’t guarantee that she’ll love me no matter what, I can’t guarantee that she’ll forgive me, I can’t guarantee she can fill those empty spaces. It’s a subconscious feeling that I’ve felt for a while, that I’d find someone to love and that they would fill the cracks I couldn’t fill on my own, I now realize that’s a lie. She doesn’t deserve to be treated as such and I feel guilty for even pointing it out.
Guilt
It’s been almost every time I’ve been around her that I’ve prayed, “God just fill me with love here, please God, please give me something.” I want nothing more than to be filled with a head over heels kinda feeling for her but months have gone by and all I get is a cold breeze through the cracks I’ve created. She’s done nothing to cause any of these feelings, though she has made them evident. I feel guilty and frustrated because I don’t feel the same way. I want to! But I don’t and want so badly to understand why. This one point is the only problem I have with Christ.
The only problem I have with God is how he can let a believer have romantic feelings for another and those feelings not be requited. Of all the “love” talk that goes on throughout the Bible, you’d think that one aspect would remain untainted, especially when it comes to Christ followers. I do believe a big chunk of my unrequited feelings are my fault. I spent so much time and energy growing up seeking the approval of girls and wasted much of my emotional capacity on relationships that seldom lasted through the morning hours. And it’s that sinful nature I think has caused much of why I feel this way. Who knew that the guilt would carry this far into my life and cause such problems down the line. I was just trying to have fun as a kid and now I find myself between a rock and a hard place, and maybe some therapy.
I feel guilty. For a lot of things, I do. But this ain’t some trauma dumping guilt trip. Everyone has feelings like this and it doesn’t bother me all too much talking about it. But much like the walls I’ve been trying to tear down, my guilt renders certain feelings unreceptive as I try to block them out in fear of growing these cracks and making known the thought that I may be too emotionally damaged to live life with a loving relationship. I’m used to a lot of these feelings, I’ve become used to the presence of love in my life, I’m certain of love and the life that Christ has given me as I believe in him, I’m certain that I’m forgiven of all I’ve ever done, do or will do. And I’m guilty in my own sin and I’m no stranger to that guilt.
Christs love is perfect and is capable of bringing us from death to life. But when it comes down to it, I am not perfect, and Christ’s love does not make me perfect. She is not perfect and Christ’s love does not make her perfect, she cannot fill the cracks I’ve brought on myself and I can’t cover them up forever. We, as humans, are not perfect and will never be and I don’t trust I’ll be able to reciprocate feelings to someone that loves me. It’s not that I don’t trust them or doubt how they feel, I don’t trust myself. And that’s where the guilt stems from.
My life has never been as good as it is now. I just took a dream job, have the best friends I could ever hope for, and the love of Christ still flourishes through my life. I’m still happy, I still love it in Tampa, I love God even though I’m a sinner, and am daily given more than I deserve. It doesn’t matter how acclimated I may be, wether or not I get letters of fire across the sky, and if my guilt precedes certain decisions, I’m going to continue to try and love like it’s my last day. I’ll continue to pour slowly to those who are receptive, I’ll continue to learn love, and I’ll continue to lean into a life I still don’t understand.
What words could evoke such feelings as love, it seems as if it’s the other way around. What love could evoke such feelings as words, as words can’t describe a feeling I have yet to understand, only the absence thereof.