Do you think my emotional dissociation is a result of my past relationship trauma?
It’s been a while since I’ve driven fast. I just did 115 with the windows down across the Gandy bridge, it was bliss.
In Proverbs chapters 21 to 25 I liked the chapters more, it was a little more long- form advice and sayings than previous. But I already have some things I want to talk about here, so it may not relate to the scripture too much.
I’m not sure if I’m emotionally dissociating or just socially exhausted. When I’ve been around people I care about recently, I’ve felt, “Checked out” as I’ve felt distanced and a little confused on how to act. I’m glad I’m taking this time to sit, read and write because I get to talk about things I’m a little hesitant to bring up amongst them. I’ve been blessed with love and joy from the Lord, but I’ve felt distanced from it in these social situations. As I’ve gotten closer to these dear friends, this excitement of getting to know them, I feel, has set an unspoken benchmark of how I think I should feel all the time. This notion though has caused me to actively question wether or not I actually want to be around them or am just drained out. I’ve had a crush on this girl too, I feel weird about it. We’ve spent time together amongst friends and in more private situations but I’m nervous for some reason. These confused and exhausted feelings started a few weeks ago after I finally opened up about some past trauma and experiences with ministry that I’d held back on talking about even though she’d asked repeatedly.
I think I may be both socially exhausted and dissociated at the same time. Socially exhausted from spending so much time around people with little to no rest and dissociated because I finally opened up about those traumatic times that I pushed down over the last few years. Though I did, in the stories about those traumatic times, convey the love I’ve been given over the last six months and the ensuing joy that followed. So those tough stories did not come without redemption.
But this underlying need, or feeling, that makes me think she and my other friends won’t like me stems from my past relationships and friendships where I felt abandoned and forgotten just because I opened up. This is a perception that’s filled with toxicity and I refuse to feed it even though it survives. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, I can say I don’t feel like I am, but when the night ends, the thoughts are still there. I want so badly to be good enough and to care, I want to love others in a way that is respectful and isn’t too much. My love is here and is new, bursting at the seams. It’s as if I have a superpower and am still learning to control it. I can’t just throw myself out there willy-nilly as if it’ll lead me, my love that is, in the right directions and care for me at the same time. A mistake I’ve made in the past is that. It’s why I get drained and dissociate, I exhaust my own heart then wonder what went wrong when I feel distanced.
To love and to be loved comes alongside being known and knowing them too. Loving, I think, takes methodic thinking as everyone loves differently and in different capacities. It’s a scary concept for me, being methodic in love, since my personality and thinking are far from methodic. Being conscious of others’ feelings and their loving ways isn’t my forte and I think that is one of the things that leads to me feeling drained. I like quality time so it’s tough for me to understand those that don’t. And so far in Proverbs, amongst all these clever Instagram captions, I feel an underlying notion that the search for Wisdom and righteousness takes consciousness. It might take understanding others’ love and lives before truly being able to care for them. It, love, asks for trust first, on both ends. I don’t think I can love people I don’t trust yet, the same way I can’t love people I don’t understand either. And when I try to force myself to love without trusting first, it seems wasted. I get drained and confused and frustrated because the purpose of the love doesn’t make sense. It culminates into a batch of feelings tangled up, crossing over one another and getting lost in translation as I try and decipher them to get to the root of the problem. For the longest time, I believed that problem to be me, I was wrong. I am wrong for that.
Love with no goal, purposeless love, love with no true intention is wasted. It’s a gamble of the most valuable thing I’ve got and I don’t want to waste any more of it. I don’t say that meaning I won’t love others because I don’t know them, but this gift of love, this gift of joy, needs Wisdom beside it. I am not wise, I hope to be one day, but I am not wise. My love reaches an emotionally draining fault without it, so I want to be more methodic in how I utilize love, both relationally and romantically. I hope and pray that God would reveal some Wisdom to me in that facet of my life. I want God to help me understand how to love, how to use the gift he’s given me, not to waste it. And if I’m wrong in my thinking, let me feel it in the pit of my chest. Praise God for his gift of love, and let it not be wasted. May it flourish in calm and wise understanding as I attempt to traverse this chasm of relational love and care.
Ok I’m back a little later after thinking some. How do I know what ways my friends and family would receive love? My first thought or reaction, I guess, is to just ask. But how do I form that question? It feels a little aggressive and confusing to just ask, “How do you want me to love you?” as I imagine many wouldn’t take that too lightly since it’s such a personal and scrambled question. A question which seems so simple is scary and confusing when I turn it on myself. So, maybe, if I’m able to answer it myself first, then I may be able to curate the question better.
How do I want to be loved? I don’t mean, “Love languages” though those are good to know, I mean what ways do I want others to love and care for me? I don’t know. It wasn’t until last year sometime where I actually began to love myself, and that alone still sits in its infancy. But I can make a list of things that I think could be the answer to it.
– I want to be known
Being known stretches across many things for me. Of course, people can know me and my story but not give love. As many stories that I so carelessly tell, you’d think I would’ve figured out that being known is not what I want but instead, it’s to be cared for. Now a better way to say that would be to be actively known, which includes me being willing to convey how I feel at any given time, truthfully. I want those closest to me to care about my wellbeing and to take the time to sit with me and process, much like I’m doing here with this writing. I hate doing that though when it’s just a one-sided conversation because I feel guilty when it’s only about me. So I’d like it to be an open conversation in that sense. But some people don’t like that, I have a few friends off the top of my head who would cringe at the thought of it. So I’d need to be selective with who that may be with. But I now feel like that may not be the way I want to be loved. I may just be thinking that isn’t my way of being loved based off how I feel at this moment, feeling distanced and drained.
– I want honesty
This is also a two-way street. The honesty I’m able to share with those close to my heart tends to come with no hesitation. I want to convey my feelings and emotions alongside someone, wether or not those feelings are big or small. Honesty is a lot to ask from someone, it’s quite a scary thing in some situations. But the peace it brings me when a friend can breathe deeply and speak their heart with little to no hesitation fills me with a joy I can’t explain. It brings a feeling of closeness that I’d want to cherish and continue for years, them willing.
– I want to be questioned
“Challenged” may be a better word. But a friends that is willing to tell me when I’m wrong, stupid, or made them feel poorly is more valuable than most things. Yes, it hurts, but it shows that our relationship is not tied to fragile moorings so easily torn by my foolish feelings and decisions. I make a lot of mistakes, so this may be actively exhausted.
Ok now lets re-form this question! “How do you want me to love you?”
Being drained out after being around people you love is an uneasy feeling. It feeds into toxic thoughts that tend to only bring us down further. So my goal with the question would be, what can I do that our time together does not feel draining afterward? How do you want to be treated? How much space do you need? What ways can I love you best? There’s a lot of questions I could ask, but to try and culminate them into one, here’s what I think I’d say.
I don’t want love in this friendship to be wasted. I want to love you in ways that are receptive and build you up. What can I do and in what ways do you want to be loved?
Again, I feel drained because I’ve tried throwing love and joy at anything with a pulse. Though at times that can be good, it has caused more harm mentally and emotionally for me compared to those who actually received it. I’m going to ask my friends that question over the next few weeks, hopefully it will bring some clarity to this situation. God, please don’t let me waste your love.